I Always Come Back To Art
My Art Origin Story
I wish I could say that I started drawing when I was two years old. Then showcase the collection of proof that my Mom kept safely in a lovely little box stashed away in the attic, one day to see the light of day to reminisce my origins as an artist. But I didn’t. I wasn’t always “artsy”.
Shy and very quiet, I much preferred the company of solitude. Reading was a favorite. To be able to imagine and dive into fantastical worlds full of adventure and intrigue. It was always homework, dinner, reading then sleep, until one day, my Mom came home with stacks of paper and stationery once belonging to this real estate company who didn’t want them. Yes, yes, she did pick them out from their recycling bin but hey, A. it’s a massive waste and B. paper can be expensive. So with all the memo pads and semi-blank sheets of paper (it was easy to ignore the giant red and blue logo printed on the corners), my imagination took to paper.
Youtube became a thing, and when I discovered the wonderful Cardcaptor Sakura anime series, I was over the moon! Fan art helped me discover the joy of drawing my favorite characters and putting them up on my wall made me smile with satisfaction. At one point, I thought I was going to become a “Mangaka” or Manga artist, but the reality was quite different.
School Life to Real Life
My love for drawing grew as I took art classes for all 5 years of secondary school. I got praised a lot and affirmation that I could “art” very well. Then coming up to the last two years of school, studying was a major part of my life then, in order to get into a good course and University. I dreamt of becoming an illustrator but I think some part of me knew it was impossible. I had doubts and at the same time wanted to conform to expectations. Nonetheless, I submitted a very poorly put-together portfolio and didn’t get into art school. Disappointed in myself and my subpar skills, I stopped drawing for a long while. I have an inkling now though, that I probably sabotaged myself. Fear from going against conformity and expectations.
Art & I, we find eachother (a bit cringe but, whatever…)
After a few years of not drawing, I suddenly felt the urge to create, to draw. Of course, practice means progress, but I didn’t practice at all. My skills became stunted and even regressed. The need to create something “good” or “likeable” made me increasingly frustrated, especially when I couldn’t put inspiration to paper, and even more so when I had trouble figuring out what to draw.
Doubtful thoughts like, “You can’t draw as you used to”, and “You used to be good but not anymore” sprouted in my mind countless times, spiralling into imposter syndrome whenever I posted finished artworks on Instagram (many of them now deleted).
But even though I repeatedly subjected myself to these negative thoughts I am compelled to create and to share my creations. Perhaps I miss the validation from others when the art I created was good enough, a perspective which now has very much changed.
I create but it’s my way of expression and I wish to share the joy of it. I’m trying to enjoy the process of creation more now rather than just seeking validation with the end result.
The dreamer in me that wanted to become a manga artist or illustrator; the 16-year-old who didn’t believe in her talents, I want to tell her now that although I didn’t get into art uni., perhaps it was always meant to be, that creating is enough. That seeking the interest, the slow and steady carving of an image with paint on paper, and the feelings as a result of that, is perhaps the most important meaning to it all. Art is part of me, and I should like, even love that part about myself.
I would be lying if I didn’t admit that a greedy part of myself wants to be an accomplished illustration pro and small business owner. After all, we can all still dream with a healthy leap of faith. And that’s why I created this blog and website! With it, I hope to document my thoughts in relation to art and share both the struggles and triumphs I may encounter on my journey. Let’s go!
